How to Avoid Being Kidnapped In Mexico City

Land in the early morning. Don't bother bringing luggage, it will only be shredded by the stray dogs prowling the airport conveyor belts.

Upon arrival in the city center, repeatedly call out 'Truce!'

Bringing your own weed to Mexico is like bringing your own omelette to Denny's. Buy local.

Spend your daytimes exclusively in buildings that look like the inside of Lady Gaga's uterus

Kidnappers can't see you if you remain perfectly still.

If approached by a local resident, freeze and look away. They will think you have disappeared.

When purchasing a newspaper, make sure you buy the Standard rather than the Proof of Life edition.

If you suspect a local resident of ill intent, direct their attention to a local carnival ride. If are instantly mesmerized, they are a drug baron.

Be aware that Mexico City doesn't have a police force. At night neighborhood watch organizations just shine the Bat Signal into the streets.

Have you seen The Wire? Then you are fully qualified to approach Mexican street gangs. Do so freely.

Remember: Spanish is simply a dialect of English. Roll your Rs and add an O to the end of all nouns and verbs. 'Yo needo to rento el car-o', for example, is a sentence that demonstrates full fluency.

Keep in mind that this is just a standard phone booth. Everyone south of the US border is three to six inches tall.

Solidify good relations with locals: At every opportunity, remind Mexicans that holidays are more special when celebrated in America.

Point out the tragedy of having a corporate-sponsored Christmas tree in their city center. Refer to Pepsi as 'the Mexico of soft drink brands'.

Scam alert: Locals will try to lure you into their churches by pretending they are older than America's.

Remind them that Mexico was discovered in 1961 by a Minnesota family who fled southward to escape their winter.

And kidnapped the second family to arrive.

Fun Fact: Nearly 90 percent of Mexico's population is now American retirees. Mexico's drug war is being fought over Propecia.

All taxi license plates begin with the letter A or B. A means you will be taken to your destination. B means you be driven to an ATM machine and forced to type your pin incorrectly three times. You will then be driven to your hotel, where you will have to make a long-distance call to re-activate your card. This will cost you a fortune.

Make sure you bring cash to the airport as you depart. One of the baggage-dogs may request a bribe.